How to make your mark at your Christmas party this year, from The Footnotes x
1. Start drinking as early as possible, and definitely mix your drinks.
You should start with either wine or sparkling, a glass of both, then move quickly onto spirits. If you want to be the life of the party you should continue to keep those on your table informed about how much you have had to drink, for example, “I have already drunk half a bottle of champagne and we haven’t even had entrees.” People will find this funny, and you will gain popularity. If you want to win bonus points for funny-factor, you should peer pressure other people to drink as much as you have. Some great examples include, insinuating, “You are so soft”; posing the question (to a boy), “Come on, are you a girl?”; or informing them,“My Mum drank when she was pregnant, and I am fine.”
One of the most important things you need to do before the night is out is get behind the bar to start pulling beers and pouring drinks. Not only will the bar staff think you are a heap of fun, your co-workers will be impressed with your free-pours and for speeding up the drinks process.
2. If there is a dance circle you need to be in the middle of it at all times.
If Susan from Accounts wants a turn in the middle, let her in, but then instantly try and upstage her and push her back to the outer edge via dance. You should also attempt to breakup table conversation by pulling members of staff you don’t know onto the dance floor. Once they are there to watch, you should again make a dance circle and demand the centre position. The DJ will be really interested to know what music you want, so it is a good idea to yell your requests from the dance floor.
3. Your boss only attends the work Christmas function because they want to talk about work.
So you should pull them aside at the bar and speak about their failures as management. Of course you know how to do things better, and it has been arching you up since mid-July. Tonight is the perfect night to set them straight. Also, you should speak from the heart – a good introduction includes, “I just really FEEL”. While the DJ is still playing your requests, it is imperative to make sure you get heard, so speak really loudly and closely to their face. Later in the night, your boss might make a speech. Sometimes it is great to interrupt with a funny comment or anecdote- maybe commenting on his growing bald spot or how boring his speech is- when he pauses you should yell, “Boring!” People will turn and look at you. You’re hilarious.
4. When the party ends, your night should only just be beginning.
You want to be remembered as the stand out of the night. There is no better way to do this than preventing people from going home when they want to, and rallying unsuspecting troops to ‘kick on’. You should recycle some of your earlier material, this time it doesn’t matter if it is a boy or a girl, ask them “What, are you a girl or something?!” if they object. They will not want to be known as the office girl, and will come. It is important to tell as many people as you can that, “the night is only just getting started” toward the end of the evening, this way you will instantly better your reputation as the most fun person at the party, and your bosses will admire your stamina. When some people tell you that maybe it is time that you leave, make a joke at someone else’s expense to change the subject. For example, you could speak about how embarrassed you are for Susan from Accounts trying to dance earlier.
5. Finally and most importantly, you can not go home alone.
You should try and locate this person early in the night, and make sure you are around them at all times. If they are in a conversation with a group of people, you should interrupt and tell a funny and unrelated story to get their attention. You should laugh loudly (and for longer than anyone else) at all jokes they tell throughout the night. If they are on the dance floor, you could leave the centre of the circle (momentarily) and try to kiss them while they are dancing. Not only will they know you like them – but you have saved that awkward work conversation, because now everyone else knows too.
Now enjoy being back at work on Monday- you’ve nailed it!
Published as part of The Footnotes’ satirical side- and if you don’t know what that means, can we come to your Christmas Party?