We read it so you don’t have to: The Tempest Act Two, recapped

Like Shakespeare, only bearable.

Missed Act One? Here it is, have a read. We’ll wait.

Have you been forced to endure Shakespeare’s The Tempest? Did you struggle to understand a giant chunk of what was going on? Us too the first time around.

Settle in buckaroo, we’re going to recap one of the Bard’s texts for you Act by Act. No problems, no qualms and definitely no metaphors to jot down.

Seriously though, did you miss Act One? Have a read. We won’t tell.

For those brave souls continuing, here’s Act Two:


Left to fend for themselves, the troupe of Italianos aka Alonso, Sebastian, Antonio, Gonzalo et. al, spend their time wallowing, bemoaning their fate and turning on each other.

Typical Italians.

Before they can jump on Gonzalo who’s like, “Guy’s stop being such Gloomy Gus’s”, Ariel saunters in playing what a stage direction tells us is “solemn music”. So, like Matt Corby.

Anyway, his tunes promptly flunk the ‘Is it a Banger?’ test and like magic (wah-hey!), the Italians – except for Antonio and Sebastian – fall asleep.

A wide awake Antonio tries out for Opportunistic Douchebag of the Year by trying to convince Seb to off his own brother and inherit the throne. Ariel, who you’d think would be all about senseless murder, puts an end to these shenanigans by waking Gonzalo. Killjoy.

To be totally ~ meta ~ and recap a recap, all we’ve really learned from Act Two is that Antonio is the kind of guy who’d leave you on ‘read’ for three days before sending a “Sorry, I was in the shower” text. Also known as a douche canoe.


In Scene II, we return to Caliban who, you may remember, we have envisioned as Alexander Skaarsgard’s Tarzan for reasons that are purely self-indulgent.

Poor Caliban is having a whine about how Prospero’s spirits pick on him. Poor beautiful man. Come, we’ll nurse your wounds.

Before we can lure Caliban into our sex dungeon healing arms, Trinculo (one of the shipwrecked blokes) appears and gives him a bit of a shock.

Caliban thinks Trinculo might be one of Prospero’s spirits (he’s got corporeal and incorporeal mixed up again) so using the full potential of his brain, he pulls a cloak over himself to hide. In short, Caliban single-handedly proves that Beauty and the Geek was indeed, a good idea for a TV series (we can’t all be geniuses).

Trinculo comments that he is unsure whether Caliban is “man or fish” and pretty much breaks our hearts (we know Caliban is truly ugly okay, we just need Alexander to get through this).

Trinculo then decides to take shelter from the impending storm with said ‘freak-show’ under the cloak. Another genius. Caliban freaks out (duh) and attracts the attention of Stephano, who just wondered onto the scene. Stephano, also a dullard/drunk, thinks the pair are a four-legged monster and tries to ‘help’ them with alcohol.


As is the way of these things, Caliban L.O.V.E.S his first sip of grog and, like your own self after that first Smirnoff Double Black in some rando’s backyard, is totally enamoured. A drunk Caliban begs to worship Stephano.

Which just isn’t fair ‘cause we totally would have liquored him up if he had of come to into our sex dungeon healing arms first.

Stay tuned for Act Three.

We read it so you don’t have to: The Tempest Act Two, recapped
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