If you’re the breed of person that runs the full gambit of emotions thanks to a healthy relationship with procrastination then hello friend! Welcome. Safe space.
3:10pm: Classes are done for the day. Eating one’s body weight in toasted sandwiches is not only a good idea/excellent use of my time but straight up GLORIOUS.
4:00pm: “I am full and shall now retire to trackpants and YouTube binges”.
4:30pm: Between beauty hauls, you look down to see the text message that will change your life:
“Don’t forget we have that giant essay due tomorrow… Although I know you probably already did.”
4:35pm: Where. Is. The. Assignment. Sheet.
4:40pm: Assignment sheet located. Criteria includes many ‘syllabus approved’ words for interpretation. A decision to ‘wing it’ is made.
5:30pm: 500 words in. Self-five! Another 100 and you can have a piece of cake.
6:01pm: You know what? This is easy.
7:02pm: How do you write an essay again? It’s S.E.X.Y right? Statement, Explanation… something, something…
8pm: You are 99 per cent convinced ‘concentration’ is something ad companies made up to sell vitamins. Naturally impossible.
8:03pm: The genius idea of deep-cleaning the room springs to mind. You need to vacuum something NOW.
8:11pm: And now you’re tired. Time to locate the No-Doz.
8:43pm: “Can you die from too much No-Doz” gets a plug into Google.
9:02pm: The panic attacks have officially started. Are those heart palpitations? “Am I about to die, Google?”
9:45pm: That nagging stress is not going away and you know you can’t write this thing with your eyes closed and head on your keyboard. Maybe a little distraction will have you set to rights…
10:15pm: “…And I’ve been on Instagram for 30 minutes”.
10:31pm: Upon reflection, nothing you wrote in the previous hour makes any sense whatsoever.
10:51pm: Why. Why do you do this every time? How did you get yourself into this position? Was all that time on Snapchat and Neko Atsume worth it?
11:30pm: No website is too low-brow so long as it has at least one or two lines I can steal borrow. How do you reference Wikipedia?
12:00am: “I’m destined to sling fries”.
1am: Your essay is total rubbish but you’re almost done/have run out of fucks to give. Couldn’t be more proud.
1:30am: An open laptop castes a dull, blue light across the room illuminating your poor, tired body cradling an assignment, completed and printed on blue ink… because the printer ran out of black… but you did it.
Until next time.