The Footnotes

THE STUDENT LIFE

How to be a Uni Student 101

Number 4: Complain about how poor you are.

This year I have advanced my attempts at getting an education by pursuing tertiary studies.

In other words, I’ve joined the ranks of uni students who attempt to save some $$ at the supermarket/cinema/everywhere.

Over 12 weeks of being a struggling JAFFY (Just Another Fucking First Year), I have observed many behaviours in my daily habitat which led me to the formulation of this post: How to Uni Student 101.

Follow this guide and you’ll be sure to blend in with the uni crowd.

1. Clothing.

After finishing 14 years of private school (#pretentious), where school uniforms were a necessity, you might think it’d be liberating to wear whatever you damn well please.

WRONG.

Every day brings the struggle of figuring out what to wear. Luckily, I’ve put together a mini style-guide, as there appears to be an unspoken code for appropriate female attire:

  • Some form of Nike shoes – roshes, maxes, free runs. Alternate days, when you don’t want to look like you’re running a marathon, you can opt to wear Birkenstocks and look like a lesbian.
  • 2XU Skins or whatever form of pretentious running pants take your fancy. Note: leggings aren’t actually for running, you just have to wear them.
  • A grey hoodie.
  • North Face vest (will do a terrible job of keeping your arms warm).
  •  Herschel Backpack (excellent back support).
  • MacBook. The more clean and pristine the better (this will garner respect among your peers).
  • VOSS water ’cause you must constantly walk around with the fear that your water bottle will shatter into a million pieces.
  • An appropriate amount of hand bling i.e. your Marc Jacobs watch and Pandora rings (very practical for a day of studying).

2. Smart phone.

Always have your smart phone handy because if the situation arises where you have no IRL friends, your phone will become your friend as you pretend to text/call/Snapchat/Facebook. This gives the illusion that you are actually more popular than you seem as you sit alone on the park bench.

3. Navigation.

Get lost on campus. You have to accept that you’ll spend many hours aimlessly wandering around campus. If, like me, you’re prone to getting lost regularly, I suggest practicing a poker face, so that when you are lost, you don’t look like a tourist.

4. Funds.

Complain about how poor you are.

No matter how much you have worked in the summer holidays, going to uni every day will suddenly become disastrous for your bank account. The smell of hot food, convenience store lights and constant sugar cravings will not only be terrible for your hips but also your wallet.

5. Free Food.

Try to mooch as much free food as possible.

Particularly during O-Week and the first few weeks of uni when every single society wants you to join their club. They understand that the best way to lure naïve students is by free food. Take advantage. I scored free ice cream from a lunch the Commerce society were running and I can’t even tell the difference between an asset and a liability. Free food is free food and no one will deny me the right to eat it.

6. Free Alcohol.

Make a series of excellent life choices, such as accepting free alcohol.

Who said it was a bad idea to drink before a lecture? I haven’t heard any commandments preaching that ‘Thou shall not be tipsy in a lecture’, therefore why not? It certainly makes lectures 100 times more interesting.

7. Tuning out.

Master the art of tuning out.

You’ll eventually learn to tune out 40 to 90 per cent of your lecture.  Avoid getting condescending looks from know-it-alls by appearing focused on the outside. On the inside however, let your mind wander to more important issues such as what you’re going to eat for lunch. Alternatively, attempt to suppress laughs, as you watch the person next to you scroll through The Best of Tumblr.

8. Assessments.

Accept the fact that assessments are a living embodiment of Satan.

They will hit you slowly and then all at once. They will also fall within the same week guaranteeing a period of absolute torture, inappropriate amounts of coffee and 2am bedtimes. Know what the best thing about uni is? No one will give a damn if you have a mini breakdown.

9. Friends.

Last but not least, MAKE FRIENDS.

Uni gives you a chance to break free of your high school bubble by meeting new people. It’ll take you a while to sort through the hideous, annoying (‘I think I’m a lawyer already after 12 weeks of law school’) and bratty ‘clique’ types but you’ll eventually find a small circle of people whom you hope to consider ‘friends’.

Follow this very accurate guide, and I guarantee you’ll be a typical uni student in no time.

All you need now is a shitty job. Or an internship

This post has been republished with full permission from One Fine Morning.

How to be a Uni Student 101
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